Sassy by name, Sassy by nature, I write to explode the myths which surround the lapdancing profession - standing up for the clubs, the girls and the customers. Its not always drinking champagne and playing with my tits - it can be hassle, hustling and hangovers. At heart I'm just a regular twenty-something posh cockney living in London who likes taking her clothes off...
So you want to date an exotic dancer? Or perhaps you’ve been luckily enough to successfully chat up a stripper – well here are my top ten strange but true facts that you should expect as a lapdancer’s plus one.
How did I compile my list of things you never knew about being in a relationship with a beautiful and alluring lady of the night? Well firstly, I’ve had boyfriends whilst working as a lapdancer, and secondly – I’m a girl working with lots of other girls. What do you think we gossip about on a slow night? Men, sex & shopping. Of course. Seeing as I’ve designated this week ‘date a dancer’ week, I called up a few colleagues and quizzed them on their love lives. It was certainly a fun way to spend my rainy Saturday!!!
So here is my “TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT DATING A LAPDANCER”
- We’ll always be late. Especially on date nights. If you are waiting for us to get ready, I suggest grabbing another beer and settling down on the sofa, as we will faff for at least another half hour.
- After sex we look like Worzel Gummidge – less bed head hair, more complete tangled mop a foot high. This is because we pile so much hairspray into our curls and backcomb the hell out of our crown that the moment it experiences some serious bedroom friction, it turns our Rapunzel locks into fuzzy felt. On that note, don’t pull on our hair during sex either. You will damage my £700 hair extensions and risk a sex ban for eternity (or till I’m next horny).
- Just because we are super sexy and horny at work, doesn’t mean that we take that attitude home to you every night. The last thing a lapdancer wants to do when she gets home at 4am is a porn show. She wants a cup of tea and a spliff with a slice of leftover pizza and a nice cuddle please….
- ….Unless she has had a really good night. You see her stagger in clutching a garter full of crumpled notes then you are guaranteed to get laid – she’s probably kept her stockings on under that Juicy Couture tracksuit. And being asleep/having an early start/snoring won’t stop her… you’re going to get raped by a drunken young lady high on tequila and hard cash, you lucky boy.
- The saucy striptease I give you at home is not the same as the lapdances I give at work. There is no pole, no touching and besides the sofa at home is too low to really give the same bump and grind effect. Which one is better? Errrr…. probably the ones with you, unless I’m day-dreaming about being spoilt rotten by a dirty pervert. BUT! Just because I have fantasies about work does not mean that I actually live them out. I fantasise about firemen too but I’m not about to burn the house down, am I?
- We have really, really hot friends who are way louder and energetic than your average girl. It can be intimidating when in public en masse so contrary to your first thoughhts, you may decide not to introduce all of your uni chums to these girls – yes that Brazilian beauty I’ve taken under my wing is definitately a train wreck waiting to happen that you should not inflict on poor Jeff. And no, you are not going to fulfil your college fantasy of a stripper threesome. Just because I work in the sex industry does not mean that it’s OK to shag my friends!
- You’re bathroom will look like it’s been infested by an invasion of hairy spiders. No, not my shaved body hair – a decent dancer would never let it grow that long! It’s a million pairs of fake lashes, and you’re not allowed to squish them or flush them away, as they cost £5 a pop and I can reuse them – if I ever remember to take them home that is….
- If you want to get in a stripper’s good books then rub her feet or give her a nice oily massage right across those shoulders or tight butt cheeks. Not only will it be fun massaging her derriere but it’s also the spot where a lot of tension caused by high heels is stored. Her aching body will be so grateful that she’ll probably roll over and let you take the pic of any hole you please. Probably.
- She’ll look so hot when she comes back after a shift that your cock may spontaneously combust – but during the day she’ll live in Ugg boots and tracksuits, like she’s pernamently going to a gym class. That’s if she get’s out of her pajama’s, which really isn’t necessary till she goes to work at 7pm in the evening. Expect to come home from work and find her still in her PJ’s. He”, I even go to the shop in mine somedays!!!
- Finally, we may be beautiful but we are probably insecure, so need daily compliments and please tell us how sexy/funny/brilliant we are – whether we are stepping out of the shower or comatose on a sofa. A few sweet deeds and presents won’t go awry either – I’ll be talking about you with the girls in the changing room anyway, so why not encourage a bit of boasting instead of the usual moans?
So that’s my top ten unusual home truths about dating some of the hottest, funniest, craziest and most openly passionate women on the planet. You’ve got no excuse now boys…..