Sassy by name, Sassy by nature, I write to explode the myths which surround the lapdancing profession - standing up for the clubs, the girls and the customers. Its not always drinking champagne and playing with my tits - it can be hassle, hustling and hangovers. At heart I'm just a regular twenty-something posh cockney living in London who likes taking her clothes off...
I’ve rocked the stage in front of crowds.
I’ve danced drunk with wild abandon.
I’ve danced with sex on the brain and cash in my hand.
I’ve even been rained on.
But mostly, I’ve danced in those long boring moments, where you and everyone else is waiting for the club to fill up. Tumbleweed rolls across the floor, between the glossy legs of dead-eyed strippers, crossed for the forseeable future. Tables lie empty, their little individual lamps illuminating no-one. Chairs are in orderly groups, waiting for bottoms. Everybody has a face like a slapped fish, looking unimpressed at the lonely dancer making slow, repetitive moves around a pole.
The music for these monotonous minutes when everyone is sober and the customers are all cheap perverts digesting their lunchtime sandwich with a cheekie chubbie in their pants is carefully chosen by the DJ to show the passing of time in a sexual light. The rhythms are slow, the lyrics are vaguely pornographic, and the chorus is all heavy breathing and slow moans. You don’t want to piss off all these ‘been there, seen that’ strippers with a set full of pumping, lets get the party started tunes at 3 o’clock in the afternoon. The poor things want something they can hum too, the guys want an auditory stimulus that doesn’t give them a headache, and no-one bar the coke-heads wants to burn too many calories.
So I’ve constructed a playlist of my top 10 songs to play in a boring, empty stripclub that you could potentially still wank to but won’t pull any muscles.
At number one is ‘Closer’ by the 9″ Nails. It’s kinda like slitting your wrists, having a bored wank during the ad breaks, & the breathy voice of a heavy smoking rock god with a hard-on that you picked up one summer night in Camden. All at once. Oh, and the chorus screams ‘I want to fuck you like an animal’. Nuff said.
For some soaring synths for when you are a happy little dancer and want to float around the stage – hey maybe you can still feel the effects of that joint you toked on your way in, ‘I’m not in love’ by 10 CC is just your ticket. It also contains the lyrics ‘ ohh, you wait a long time for me’, which is almost foretelling your destiny for the customer count over the next few hours.
‘Beautiful People’ by Marilyn Manson is my number 3 daytime tune. It’s slightly angry, feels a bit wrong and dirty and has a great clash of cymbals running through the riff. It just goes bang, bang, bang, so can be danced with two left feet. Besides, if you are doing a daytime shift, you probably don’t want to be there (who EVER wants to be at work when it’s boring?), and Marilyn’s sarcastic sneer usually suits my mood perfectly.
A song that purrs about not taking your clothes off could be seen as counter-productive, but a sassy lapdancer can use those lyrics to her advantage, especially when everyone can hum to the ‘na-na-na’ bits and smiles at the happy memories of 1980s cheese. That pervert nursing his beer probably had his first kiss to a bit of Jermaine Stewart at the school disco. So ‘We don’t have to take our clothes off’ by Jermaine Stewart comes in at number 4.
Perhaps it’s a Sunday, you are hungover, you’re pussy is a bit sore from the shag you got last night from some drunken stranger, and you want to spin around the pole, close your eyes, and feel him inside you again. But not too fast, as you have a banging headache and the ibuprophen hasn’t kicked in yet. You need ‘French Kiss’ by Lil Louis don’t you?
Let’s also assume that it’s a two song set, and you have to take your dress off for the second song. You still want to remember that sexy shag, but now you’re naked, so I’d request ‘Je t’aime moi non plus’ by those Galllic lovers, Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin. Close your eyes, stretch your leg out and run your hand up those stockings towards your still-wet crotch – see, you could almost still be in bed with the lucky man. Almost.
Unfortunately, most lapdancers don’t want to act out their sexual fantasies on a sticky stage, they want to practise their pole tricks. I don’t know why the combination of pan pipes and gregorian chants works when you need to climb up a pole and practise the same spins like a ADHD hamster, but it does. ‘Principles of Lust’ by Enigma comes in at number 7. (I have to thank Alan Robinson for reminding me of this excellent tune on one of his reader comments.)
Girls like this song because it reminds them of a Levi’s jeans ad back in the 1980s where a super hot piece of ass took his jeans off. Besides, who doesn’t like a bit of ‘Clash’ & ‘Should I stay or should I go?’
So that’s 8 songs. My top 8. I’m still debating heavily which two songs are going to make the last two places. Have you got any ideas? I’ll make the final selection based on feedback.
Happy stripping boys and girls! I’m off to enjoy a naughty Saturday night off……