Sassy by name, Sassy by nature, I write to explode the myths which surround the lapdancing profession - standing up for the clubs, the girls and the customers. Its not always drinking champagne and playing with my tits - it can be hassle, hustling and hangovers. At heart I'm just a regular twenty-something posh cockney living in London who likes taking her clothes off...
If you are on stage a lot, invest in the ultimate stripper thong. Yes you read that right – THE ULTIMATE LAP DANCER G-STRING, the kind which blows all those other butts on stage away. AWAY! In picking a thong, you have several considerations;
- BRIGHT ; make your thong so bright that it shines from 50 yards away – because that’s how far from your naked booty your customer is sitting. Get your dancer pal to order a drink form the bar and watch you on stage. If she is not blinded, the thong is wrong. Flouro or crystals need to be maxed.
- DIAMANTE – Look, crystals catch the light, and you will be standing in lots and lots of spot lights when you are on stage, so ignore the chafe and Swarovski your arse. Your spangly crotch will thank you for it once those notes start getting shoved in the elastic…
- CURVES I really don’t understand all these thong coming onto the market that go straight across your bum. It makes even the most well toned exotic dancer look flabby and fat. Buy the dental floss that curves up, or for the very least, pull it up across your butt cheeks.
- BUM BUM BUM I’ve given a million lap dances, and men fall into two camps with me. They are either an ass or a tit man. So why so many lapdancers pay no attention to their pants is beyond me. Pay attention to your pants! If you are tired, bored, need to pick your nose, cough, yawn, or all of the above, you will need to turn around and wiggle your butt. So make your arse a joy to see.
- PROLONGING LAP DANCES Look, this is easy-peasy – the longer it takes for you to strip, the bigger likelihood that you will get a 2nd or more lap dance. Thats another 20 in your pocket. So play with those panties.
- LABELS Please for the love of Bacchus (God of Debauchery), pretty please, cut the bloody labels out of your pants. Stripper pants have a lot of wear and tear, and a short shelf life, so if you haven’t bought a job lot from the outfit guys that pop up occasionally, a dancer is more likely o wear Primark than La Perla. Just cut the label out so that the guy who just dropped a grand on you in VIP doesn’t think ‘CHEAP!’ He wants to stare at your beautiful curves, not the fruits of child labour….